Saturday, January 29, 2011

Who woulda thought...

Today I felt the need to honour and celebrate a little of the journey I've been on lately - just another step towards truly loving and accepting myself and getting real:) Us Mama's don't do this enough I reckon!

For the first time I'm actually sitting here writing this blog and don't feel like I need to curl up in a snug little ball and wither away... It may sound dramatic, but those words don't really even come close to describing what chronic fatigue actually feels - sorry, 'felt' - like.

Day after day of feeling like I couldn't hold the weight of my own head - like lying on the floor was the best I could do - like my muscles were melting away and completely dead through to the inner depths of my bones. Endless hours wishing that someone would just flick a switch and give me myself back. Not once did I actually feel truly awake. Driving was a challenge as was holding a normal conversation with someone. You know that sunken hungover feeling you might get after a huge night on the town? The kind where you can do nothing else except just crawl into bed and wait for it to pass? I had that feeling for about 3yrs. It was horrible. I had never felt so alone, lost and powerless.

So how did I go from that to this? I thought I'd jot down my journey very briefly - maybe someone out there can relate. I remember reading a blog entry another woman had written about her journey with CFS when I could barely keep my eyes open and it helped me get through that day. It was a great gift to feel understood - even if only via this weird and wonderful web of computer-connectedness;)

I won't go into everything as it would take a whole book and I'm not quite up to THAT, haha... Basically, after years of living hard in more ways than one, my body went 'kerplunk'. My 'self' had had enough and was telling me to shed all those toxic layers that I had worn for too long. I was presented with no other option. When your body just doesn't work - that's a pretty big sign. It was time to wake up!

The toxic food and substances, the toxic thinking, behaviours, relationships and attitudes all had to go. I had to be kind to myself - truly kind and not just resigned to the situation. I went from saying "just F*&@!ing DO it!" to "oh well, whatever", until I finally realised that what I needed to say to myself was "I love you". And mean it! Instead of fear I tried blind courage - I tried believing I could do life when all the evidence was to the contrary. I felt I had no choice - but at least it was a start.

During my pregnancy I almost absent mindedly stacked on over 30kg. There were complications during the pregnancy which meant I was stuck in bed or in a sedentary position for months with  insatiable cravings for EVERYTHING. It took me well over a year after Aria's birth to get to a place where I could walk properly again - so on the excercise side of things I was the most unfit I'd ever been (by a long shot) and I felt 20yrs older than what I was. I knew that tackling the weight would help with the fatigue so I started to look into my options.

Weighed down and in pain.

  Mainstream Doctors were at a loss as to what they could do for me so I was required to broaden my horizons and look elsewhere. I began to learn about food and what is actually IN most of this so called 'food' - what it really does to a person and just how toxic it all is! I was absolutely flabbergasted! At first, the more I read, the more I wish I hadn't! Once you begin on a journey towards health - truly and honestly begin - there is no going back! After discovering all the chemicals, additives, weird and wonderful preparation methods and plain old deceit attached to most supermarket foods I found myself looking fresh fruit and vegies square in the face and introducing myself. We were to become best buddies.

My interest in raw food and holistic health had been born. I read all I could manage and drank in each new fascinating fact with eagerness. After experimenting with many different food plans (and it is an ever evolving journey - one that I'm still on), I found what works for me. I firmly believe that we are all unique and that what works for me may not even come close for someone else - but for now I have settled on a raw vegan lifestyle. I'm not out to prove anything, so I'm not thoroughly, religiously strict. I try to stay real about it and have no hard and fast rules that must never be broken. I have tried that in the past and it just didn't feel right or make much sense to me. It was stifling and defeated the purpose which was to feel free and able to experience all that life has to offer. I must say though, that the more I learn about health, the less I want to go even remotely close to anything that falls outside of the category of fresh/organic fruits and vegies. It is a very natural process for me.

Other than the 'food' thing I addressed the whole exercise issue by taking up yoga again at my own pace. I wasn't able to do a lot at the beginning, but after a while I could feel myself freeing up and it really has done wonders. I forced myself through the brain fog into at least one walk each day where I picked up the pace to what I could manage. I needed to shift some of that plaque in my body and get  the energy flowing. Something that helped at the beginning was what I call the 'wobbly world' gym. A friend of mine organised for me to have a few sessions at a gym where there are lots of machines that wobble you around and get those juices flowing. Mostly everyone else there was over 60 and loving it:) The machines basically do the exercise for you. I only needed 2 sessions before I felt I'd had the kick start I needed. The following week I was out RUNNING! Not far or fast (just up the road) - and it felt damn weird, but I was running! I am also a huge fan of many detoxifying practices such as jumping on a mini trampline to get the lymphatic system going, regular dry skin brushing, 'oil pulling' (there's heaps about this on line if you do a google search) as well as getting into the ocean as much as possible to re-mineralise (even if it's just my feet!). Smudging, using crystals, essential oils, getting out in the sun and drinking lots of the purest water I can get my hands on has helped immensely too.

I started to meditate more regularly and did a lot of soul searching. As those toxic layers were being discarded from my life one by one I was able to see again where my passions lie. I began getting creative again in new ways - crafting, I taught myself to knit (of all things!) and to use a sewing machine. I began playing music again and singing. I permanently switched off the T.V and refused to take in any form of 'the news' and have never regretted it. I find the news far too negative and one sided. It is not love centred at all - I began to ask myself "why on earth do I need to know this stuff! Sure, this is all terrible and I can hardly swallow while listening - but do I actually NEED to know this?" I have found that any item of news that I need to know I always find out about anyway.

Bioresonance therapy is another thing that has helped me greatly. This is a wonderfully supportive method to help get over any ailment and I will be eternally grateful to my lovely practitioner. This therapy has particularly helped addresss the viral side of chronic fatigue - the glandular fever, M.E and other mosquito born viruses. We also did lots of work on areas such as chakra clearing, emotional balancing, gluten/dairy and sugar issues, digestion, colon cleansing and getting rid of heavy metals (to name but a few). 

To cut a long story short there are many, many, many different things I have tried and so much that I have learnt along the way. Life has become a lot clearer and I have been able to see what is good for me and what I need to move on from. I have moved away from unhealthy food, medicines, toxins, relationships, and self talk to a much brighter and fuller experience. It's all about love! Loving yourself. Putting in the effort when you have no energy to do anything of the sort. Taking your life seriously enough to work hard at giving yourself what you honestly need. When I was at my worst, barely able to open my eyes, the last thing I felt like doing was making a green smoothie, going for a walk, connecting to source/love/spirit and researching my options while talking nicely to myself the whole time. Heck, I could barely even light a candle and put on some essential oils. When I started out it was all too hard - but it was worth every bit of effort.

Loving my new dreadies too - a further expression of my spirit:)

I am now 25kg lighter, feeling free and excited about the future. I've made some hard decisions and have had to confront many fears - some of which were rooted in years long passed - and face up to the truth of my situation. I needed to feel safe and loved right at the very centre of my being and I think being so debilitated is what it took for me to wake up enough to finally get there. Overcoming chronic fatigue has become an amazing gift and a large part of my life journey. I am now able to be fully present for my beautiful little girl and am functioning with joy while leading a full and vibrant life. I have started teaching piano and flute again part time and am doing things I never though possible. The light is back. While  I wouldn't say I'm all the way there yet, I'm well on my way and have turned the biggest corner of all - I am empowered and not a victim - I am based on love and not fear.

If you have read this far (congratulations, haha...) thankyou! Thankyou, for reading through this pretty jumbled account of what has been a huge transition for me. This post may appear to be quite long winded but believe me when I say it is just the absolute tip of the ice berg!

To the ever evolving journey... to life!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Christmas Rainbow Baby Tutorial

 A couple of people have asked me how to make the little christmas babies in my last post, so I thought I'd attempt a tutorial... Here goes!

With some skin coloured wool roving separate the section into 3 parts. One for the inside of the head, the outside and a small piece to tie around the neck.

 Tie one of the larger section in a loose knot to form the inside of the head.

Cover the knotted piece with the other larger section of wool while leaving the ends to hang down at the bottom.

Tie the small piece of wool around the base of the head where the ends are hanging down.

 With some pink wool pull off three large sections.

Needle felt these to the hanging pieces of skin coloured wool around the base of the head. Have the looser and thinner end of each section of the wool towards the bottom - this will help to form the tapered shape.

Attach the pink wool around the whole circumference of the neck looking for any gaps that may need to be filled.

Next, with some purple wool, felt on some smaller sections in the same manner. The pink wool should still be visible below the ends of the purple wool.

Follow this with some darker blue, then some lighter blue.

Then needle felt some green wool around the base of the head- using shorter tufts for each new colour.

Finish with some small apple green pieces around the neck.

For the hat, use a pice of yellow and a piece of green wool. Combine them together by gently ripping them and laying them over each other to form a marbled effect. You could alternatively just use the yellow on it's own.

Wrap the wool around the head and needle felt in place. Smooth out any lumps and bumps with the needle and tuck in any loose ends around the neck by punching in with the needle.

 To finish, use a small length of yellow wool to wrap around the neck.

Needle felt this in place - again, punching in any loose ends.

 Sew a thread into the head and there you have it! A magical rainbow baby for the christmas tree:)

With love and light

Sunday, November 21, 2010

and the Christmas Season Begins...

Christmas is everywhere already! I love this time of year and am being flooded with ideas as to what Aria and I can make for gifts as well as some little treasures for her. We are also getting into the spirit of Spring/Summer and getting into lots of new activites...

We have been busy making christmas tree ornaments - I may put wings on them to make them into christmas angels, but I quite like them as is; little christmas flower babies to hang on the tree. Aria's favourite is the rainbow baby:)

These are extremely addictive to make!

Aria helped to sort out the different lengths of wool into bowls from her kitchen. She then handed them to me as I needed them. I also supplied a little foam pad and a small stick (for her 'needle') just for her as she happily mimicked what I was doing. She loved pulling the wool apart and "making babies" while sitting in the sun with me.

Today we got the wool out again along with some cookie cutters and wet felted these shapes. I thought I'd do some blanket stitch around the edges and sew some beads on for some more christmas ornaments to be gifted to family and friends - we better get busy if we want some for our tree too!

The weather here still hasn't straightened out in all it's spring glory, so one wet afternoon Aria and I painted each others faces. There was a lot of laughter, that's for sure.

For the spiritual circle that I go to each month we were asked to make some tarot cards. I decided it would be fun to paint them with Aria. She was thrilled with all the card laid out on the table and set to work! They turned out to be really special cards:) I was really nervous about doing a reading on another person - a relative 'stranger', but it was a lot easier than I thought and freed up a lot of fears around speaking with others.

Recently I have altered our weekle rhythm to include: Monday - Cooking day, Tuesday - cleaning day, Wednesday - Pool day, Thursday - Playgroup day, Friday - Gardening day. This week we made a gluten free teddy bear cake and some delicious Pizza (although Aria didn't want to eat hers in the end so it ended up in Aunty Kirsty's tummy!)

For 'pool day' we have been visiting an awesome salt water pool in Mt Martha. Aria loves jumping in and out of the pool and the water play really seems to be a grreat need for her. Aunty Kirsty came to visit this week and took these shots on her phone.


Sunday, November 7, 2010

Mary, Bluebell, Berry, and the Wind.

Time to breathe for a moment I think... I'm talking abouy the whole family here and not just me! We've had one of those weeks - or few months really. (How did November get here so quickly!) Craziness! Car rides here and there, so many errands, so many plans to make, ideas to consider about the future, and so much to do. It's so easy to get lost in all the traffic of life without meaning to and eventually end up looking back at recent events needing one big long out breath! It is wonderful, though, to look back over the week in photos and to remember those moments of joy that came with all that activity - to be grateful for all that we have experienced and all that we are - to feel warm and safe in our little family unit that goes through the waves of life together (with cuddles!).

Halloween was another family affair with members of both sides getting into the spirit of our spring-flavoured celebrations.

Aria went as 'mary had a little lamb' after discovering the perfect sized crook at the craft store. This is my second attempt at asewing from pattern and she didn't want to take it off at the end of the day! Success!

We are continuing the traditions that we started last year - including the offerings from each person of lovely spring produce to be divided up for all at the end of the celebrations. What a display of abundance!

Aria and I enjoyed sitting in the sun. Aria chatted away while I made her some 'babies'. This one is named 'berry'...

This one is named 'bluebell', and she now lives with a little girl we met at the beach while having lunch with Aunty Kirsty. This little girl has asperger syndrome and was really taken with bluebell. It was incredibly touching. Aria chose bluebell to give to her and we could see that this little baby would be loved very much with lots of cuddles and kisses.

At our Steiner group we made a 'wind sock'. It just so happened that it was a very windy day - Aria had a lot of fun taking it out for a spin (as well as a spring coloured silk painted by some children at a local primary school to sell at their fete) while waiting for Dadda to come home on the train.

A perfect spring passtime! :)

With love, light, and peace

Saturday, October 30, 2010

So many things to blog about!

It seems to have been ages since I posted a blog about the goings on around here... so here is a mish mash of what we've been doing lately in this 'Jekyll and Hyde' spring weather! Octoboer came and went in the blink of an eye and now we're heading toward christmas - i can hardly believe it!

I made my first little thing sewing from and actual pattern! I was so scared of patterns for some reason, but Aria seems to love it all the same:)

She is fascinated with all the bird activity around the place at the moment - it's like a spectacular air show with birds!

I decided to continue with the whole sewing-from-a-pattern thing and made this little dress for Aria for our 'Spring Harvest/Halloween party'. She wanted to go as "Mary had a little lamb" after she discovered a crook/walking stick the perfect size for her at the craft shop.

I made my first coil bowl...

Rainbow colours:)

Aria got in on the creative mood and decorated her face with markers that Mama absent mindedly left lying about! (At least they were the wash-in-water non toxic kind!)

We've had many new faces and experiences with little miss 2yr old!

It has been so much fun being able to communicate on a whole new level!

Earlier in the month my sister had her wedding...

It was a beautiful day with many smiles...

The bride and groom looked absolutely breath taking!

It was a lot of fun getting to know the other bridesmaids a little better during the lead up to the wedding. There was so much to organise and it was a pleasure with these beautiful women:)

Aria received a special gift from Great Nanna and Great Grandad (visiting from NZ) who saw her fascination with prams/babies and spotted this awesome retro set of wheels at the Hurstbridge market.

It was soooo wonderful to have all the relos visiting from NZ for the wedding. Aria had a fantastic time meeting everyone again. I really miss my kiwi family!

Aria proudly showed off the house we made for Aunty Kirsty...

...and had more fun and games with family:)

The new bride and our Dad:) I love this shot!


We returned home from the wedding to find that a bird has nested on our fuse box! All's going well so far and we've managed not to disturb her... we are now using the other door! I hope those babies turn out ok sitting on top of that fuse box!

An finally... I now have my long awaited dreadies! I'm LOVING them so far:)

They are slowly forming and right now I'm going few the inevitable initial period of complete and utter frizziness!

We have our Halloween/Spring party tomorrow night and preparations are underway right now... speaking of which, I'd better run of and help out!

In love and light